you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
