Four minutes until I can fart!
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
