god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
