I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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