so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
