the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
