i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
