I feel like I'm in dance class right now
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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