he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
