i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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