Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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