he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
