I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
