Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
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I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
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Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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