Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
