I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
