12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I need a burrito and a hug.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
