Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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