i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
it hurts more in the daytime
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
