She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
