I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
