One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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