He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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