She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
