a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
