I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
