i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
