I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
party gras won. party gras always wins.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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