She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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