just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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