I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
