You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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