Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
