I wish I only lived at night.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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