can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
