my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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