anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
