I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
