Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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