If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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