The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
