I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
