Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
