Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
