I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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