turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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