I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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