i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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