Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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