I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
