Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
