he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
