guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
